


Waking Up From Reality

by Byaku_chan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, M/M, Reincarnation, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-14 04:51:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2178600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Byaku_chan/pseuds/Byaku_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he finally finds him, Eren doesn't remember, Levi does, and it hurts more than he can explain. To be so close yet so far away from him. He could reach out yet never cross the final distance between them. And even though Eren doesn't remember, Levi sees the past reflected in all the small things; in the brown of Eren's favorite belt, in his slight obsession with wing patterns, in the strong crave for freedom, in the way he unconsiously bites his hand out of frustration, in the perfect shade of green he is obsessed with, but mostly in the way Eren looks at him when he thinks he can't see him. Every little thing is a painful reminder that despite all that, Eren doesn't remember.</p><p>Or: </p><p>A reincarnation story in which Levi is painfully aware of their previous life, Eren isn't, and the world is still a cruel place after so many years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Levi starts dreaming, _remembering_ , when he's only a child.

The dreams were nice, almost like a secret world only he knew about. He would close his eyes and dream of a city surrounded by high walls, of flying through the sky, of riding horses on the outskirts of empty green fields, of living in various places he doesn't recognize but that feel _right,_ almost like home. By the time he woke up, the dreams would fade to the back of his mind, vague and hazy, but still there in his subconscious. He didn't really try to remember them, too young to understand their importance and  _“it didn't matter because they were only dreams after all, right?”_

But as he grew up he became more aware of them, they started to linger in the back of his head when he woke up and they were the first things he saw when he fell asleep. The dreams continued, increased in frequency it seemed. He didn't understand seeing all these places he didn't remember visiting but he felt like he needed to know where they were from. He would wake up with names burning in his throat and images flashing behind closed eyes. It left him frustrated and somehow disappointed in himself. _“It doesn't matter, they're only dreams”_ he tried to tell himself but it didn't help, it didn't calm the uneasiness when he couldn't remember. Needless to say, Levi didn't like having those dreams anymore. 

One day Levi finally asked his parents about his dreams, hoping they knew more.

“ _Where is the city surrounded by walls? I... I need to go there but I don't remember where it is.”_

Levi's parents were surprised by the sudden question. When they asked him “what city”, Levi told them about his dreams, about the places he saw and the things he did in his dream world. It was almost unsettling how much details he could tell them. It also was the most his parents had heard their son talk and if they were honest, they were a little worried. Levi had always been a quiet and rather introvert child but when he spoke with such passion about “the city surrounded by walls”, they couldn't help but wonder if their son was slowly immersing himself in a fantasy world to drive out the loneliness. Levi might've been young, but he understood the look of worry in their eyes. He quietly tells them “nevermind, they're only dreams” and returns to his room, wondering if the dreams were something bad.

He never talked about them after that.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Levi graduates from high school he immediately moves out, using the start of university as excuse to leave the house. He really does care for his parents but he can't help but feel like a stranger in his own home at times. He blames the dreams. By then he remembers every single detail of the city surrounded by walls, he recognizes the people, _soldiers,_  and it scares him how well he remembers even when awake _._ He remembers the people in his dreams better than his high school classmates and somehow his parents don't feel as _real_ or _close_ as the people in his dreams and it makes him uncomfortable, guilty for feeling that way. Levi wonders when he started accepting the dreams as something _more_ than just dreams but he can't remember. Maybe he has always felt that way deep down.

In his childhood his dreams were filled with snippets of what seemed a long exciting adventure, one about a city surrounded by walls. The snippets were peaceful and about calm, pretty or exciting moments of that world, they were nice, relaxing almost. But when he got older he saw more, _remembered more._

The first time he dreams about _them,_ titans, - _human like creatures whom are hunting and eating the screaming soldiers around him-_ he runs to the bathroom to throw up until there's nothing left. Long after emptying his stomach he can't shake off the nausea, of pure revolt, as he remembers the sight of crushed limbs and blood and the smell of death. He can't stop shivering and when he closes his eyes for only a second too long, the horrible images almost make him throw up again.

Afterwards, he washes his hands until they're raw but he can't wash off the feeling of warm blood splattering on them.

He sits down and leans back against the cold bathroom tiles, trying to tell himself that he's safe, that he's in his own apartment and there are no titans here. He just sits there in a daze, trying to process what the hell he just had seen, what those dreams actually mean and why he keeps seeing them. When he somehow manages to fall asleep in a restless sleep, it's like a switch has been flipped and everything, every little detail of his previous life forces itself into his head. He dreams about the underground, about the Survey Corps, about Erwin, Hanji, his squad, about his first time outside those walls, about killing titans, countless soldiers saluting before him and even more of them dying before his eyes and finally, he remembers about Eren.

When Levi opens his eyes the next morning, he feels a lifetime older and is crushed by a hollow, empty feeling, wondering why he hasn't met the others in this lifetime _-what if he never will-_ and asks himself why, why did he have to remember, _why_? 

The next day, as if fate is mocking him, Levi finally meets Erwin.

 


	2. Chapter 2

To say Levi's life was a mess is a bit of an understatement.

 

Not literally, god no, he likes keeping his apartment tidy and clean, it keeps his mind off other things and he could almost trick himself into believing it dulled away the memories of silent funerals accompanied by the smell of fire and iron, the all too familiar feeling of warm blood and dirt and the corpses, all those corpses-

 

Levi's life is, in any other meaning of the word, a mess.

 

His childhood had not been what it should be, from a young age he was haunted by memories of a distant dream, _a distant life_ , and it made him even more introvert, even more detached from the world than he already was. He didn't see the point in becoming friends with the annoying, cheerful and easy going classmates, why should he when they were not _them?_ The people from his dream world were enough for him. Even though he couldn't recall their faces or remember their names when he was awake, he knew they would be there when he closed his eyes.

 

It wasn't much consolation. But for the lonely child who felt out of place everywhere else, _who grew up in the wrong world_ , it was enough.

 

By the time Levi was a teenager he knew it wasn't healthy, wasn't normal to be so obsessed over something so vague as dreams. But he couldn't help it either. After they became more and more frequent, the dreams started to feel just as real as the world he -now- lived in.

The faces became clearer, sometimes he could almost see them when he closed his eyes, the dreams became intenser, longer, and with each dream he discovered more of this terrifying yet captivating world.

 

As the faces became clearer, his real life started to blur a little.

 

He went on with his life as if on auto pilot, not really being there completely at times. He tried to focus on school, on cleaning, on anything really, but it was so, so dificult when the dreams were more vibrant, more exciting and ultimately made him feel more alive than his life here ever did.

 

Just a little before Levi's 18th birthday, he reached an all time low.

 

Every flash of neat combed blond hair, a brown ponytail or messy short brown hair made his heart race, only to feel disappointment wrench his gut when it wasn't _them._ The world around him started to blur more and more, memories burning in the back of his mind when he wasn't careful, making the line between dream and reality even vaguer. He started spacing out more often, losing chunks of time every now and then.

 

It got worse the week before his birthday. He started spacing out more and more, losing minutes, sometimes hours, before he came back to _reality_ , panicking when he couldn't find _< Er---> or_ _< Ha---> or <E--->, _only to realize that they weren't here, _not in this world, not in this life_. It left him confused and the disappointment lingered bitterly in the back of his mind as he tried to remind himself of the here and now.

 

The day before his birthday was the worst, eyes flew open, heart pumping almost painfully with adrenaline and confusion when he doesn't recognize his surroundings, doesn't see anyone familiar. It takes him long, _too long,_ to realize he's alone in his apartment, that he's safe, that he wasn't actually _there_. He tightens his unsteady grip around the handles of two sharp knives, _you're holding them wrong,_ a voice in the back of his mind tells him, and he curses under his breath before he throws them in the sink.

 

That night, Levi barely remembers stumbling into the bathroom, looking for _something,_ looking for _them_ , before he finally collapses from exhaustion and falls in restless sleep and dreams about _Titans and finally, finally remembers everything about Erwin, Hanji, his old and new squad, the city surrounded by walls, flying through the sky and finally, Eren Yeager._

 

And finally, for the first time in the 18 years of his life, Levi feels a little less broken.

 

* * *

 

 

Levi feels like shit when he wakes up in his bathroom, muscles sore from the unnatural position he slept in and a shiver runs down his spine, reminding him he fell asleep on the fucking cold bathroom floor, _great going there_. His head hurts while he tries to process what exactly happened last night.

 

He slowly gets up, steps under a scalding hot shower and contemplates for a moment just staying there for the rest of the day. It's not like he has much else to do anyway, _what a great fucking way to celebrate my birthday._ After scrubbing himself clean, twice, he turns off the shower. He feels a little better though the feeling of warm blood still lingers on his hands no matter how many times he washes them.

 

While drying his hear he walks into his living room and hears his mobile going off, alerting him of a new message. With a sigh and a slight feeling of dread he opens the text.

 

“ _Good morning dear, your father and I wish you a happy birthday. You're turning 18 already, you're growing up so fast. Are you doing well, living on your own and everything? We hope you have a nice day and if you don't have other plans, you're always welcome to come home to celebrate with us. It's been a while since you've been home and we miss you. Though we understand if you already have plans, we can always meet another time. We wish you the best, with love, your father and mother._

 

Something twists in his gut as he reads the message and almost out of reflex, he switches the phone off without replying. He clenches the mobile in his fist, guilt telling him he should answer them, that they don't deserve to be ignored like that. But even though he wants to, he doesn't know what to write, doesn't know what he could possibly tell them that wouldn't worry them even more. He barely understands what's going on himself and honestly, he'd rather not face his parents, last night too fresh in his mind.

 

He stares at the phone again, still conflicted, before shoving it in his pocket and quickly walks towards the door, grabbing his scarf and gloves and leaves his apartment, shutting the door with a little more force than necessary but it helps, if only a little.

 

Levi bites back a hiss at the low temperature outside, not too fond of winter in general but the cold wind does helps to clear his head a little. He doesn't really have a destination in mind when he left the house, and after aimlessly wandering around for a while, he eventually decides to head into town.

 

Trying to keep his mind occupied by concentrating on the people passing him doesn't really work but he has to do something to stop thinking about it. But all he notices are girls chatting away about trivial things, a few boys discussing the soccer match from last night and a few business men complaining about their work. If only everything was as simple for him.

 

“They're all so full of crap,” he mumbles under his breath when he hears another girl talking too loud into her phone, complaining about what “that useless stuck up shit at work” had done. He glares at her as she passes and it seems to shut her up, if only for a moment. It doesn't make him feel better about himself but he can't help the irritation, the annoyance at her meaningless complaints. But despite being annoyed by all the seemingly carefree people around him, deep down Levi can't help thinking that he's the odd one out.

 

He passes a trio of teenagers chatting away happily, just a little younger than him he guesses, and can't help but think that maybe he's supposed to be more like that. That if maybe he had spent more time on becoming friends with the people in class, he would be more like those teenagers, whose biggest problem was if they would finish their essay that's due tomorrow.

 

Instead here he is, wondering what the hell those dreams, no, memories mean, where they come from and worry about his sanity through all of it.

 

 _Well, the distraction went great for a whopping 5 seconds_ , Levi thinks dryly, picking up his pace in annoyance before something slams into his chest, _hard_ , knocking the air out of his lungs. Next thing he knows he sees the sky, wait what, and there's a sharp pain at the back of his head.

 

 _What the actual fuck, did someone just slam a goddamn do-_ “Oh god, I think I just hit someone, quick I have to-” A worried voice interrupted his thoughts, pissing him off even more if possible.

 

“Pay attention to your surroundings instead of slamming the door open, idiot,” Levi interrupts the useless rambling of the other person, wondering if this day could possibly get worse. He groans as he feels his head pound a little as he tries to sit up, great. First the fucking shitstorm of memories, then the text from his parents -which he still has to answer, shit- and now this. Fan-fucking-tastic birthday so far, thank god they're only once a year.

 

Levi wondered if he would even live to see his next birthday if things kept going like this.

 

“Ah yes, you're right, of course, I'm so sorry, wait a moment I'm getting out-” the guy in the car sounded startled by his outburst but at least had the decency to apologize, Levi thought. It didn't change the fact that he was contemplating on murdering whoever slammed a fucking car door into him, though.

 

As he pushes himself further up on his elbows he curses under his breath about how this is the worst start of a birthday ever and he should've just stayed in the shower. The guy, _what a slow piece of shit,_ finally steps out the car and hastily crouches next to him, saying something vague about fingers and injuries but his mind doesn't register any of it.

 

When Levi finally looks up to see the fucking idiot that was responsible for this, he's looking straight into the eyes of Erwin Smith.

 

Levi felt like his insides are being crushed together, he felt sick and nauseous and his head was burning from the inside out and _“that can't be- today of all days, is that Erw-"_ is all he can think before there's a sharp pain in the back of his head, _again._ As Levi wonders what kind of sick joke from fate this was, he spits out a “ _fuck”_ before everything goes black.

 

* * *

 

 

 “--rried! He --t -is -ead twi--e -n -he p---ment!”

 

 _God why is someone talking so freaking loud? Calm down_ , Levi curses in is head, wondering what the hell is going on. Last thing he remembers is getting slammed down by a car door and next thing he knows his head is hurting like crazy and now someone is shouting and arguing. And oh yeah, it's his birthday. _Great._

 

“Wh-- -f he -as ---ious head --damage or -ther ----ries?!”

 

He tries to understand what's being said, though he could clearly hear the guy -who was he?- is upset over _something,_ he can't seem to fully understand the meaning of the spoken words. He tries to focus again on the voice and lets out a soft grunt, god his head really hurt but the pain seems to help to get rid of the fuzzy feeling in his mind that tries to pull him down somehow. While taking a deep breath the words were starting to make more sense, finally.

 

“-ear that? Is he waking up?... Quick, get me some painkillers and ice, I will bring him some water and see how he's doing.”

 

Water. Yes. That was... good, Levi supposed. With his mind clearing up he finally notices he's lying on the back seat of a car, _probably the same car that slammed me down,_ he thinks bitterly, but feels a relieved after seeing it was pretty clean. Not up to his standards but it would do, for now.

 

As he's thinking about how the car could be improved he feels something nagging at the back of his head, like he's forgetting something important, _something major that he shouldn't fo-_ “I'm glad to hear you're awake, how are you feeling? Would you like some water or perhaps some ice or painkillers?” the man interrupted his thoughts, again, and that guy seriously needed to stop doing that, Levi thinks bitterly.

 

“I'm fine, just give me some water” he answers as he pushes himself up, wincing a little as his headache gets worse. He presses the palm of his hand to his forehead in hopes of relieving the pain, “I'll get something to eat later,” he adds as afterthought, distracted by the headache and hoarseness of his voice. As he scratches his throat he notices how dry it feels and reaches out to take the water bottle _-still sealed-_ that's handed to him. Just as he is about to grab it, he finally looks at the man in the front seat, hand freezing mid-air. _Oh. Ohh._

 

_Shit. Fuck, of course, Erwin--- Erwin. How could I have forgotten, shit._

 

“Are you okay? Here, you should drink this and take a few deep breaths,” Erwin looks at him worryingly while nudging the water bottle closer. Levi grabs the bottle out of reflex but it takes him a moment before he realizes what he's supposed to do with it. _Ah, yes, water, water to drink, drinking._

 

He concentrates on opening the cap, refusing to look at Erwin, takes a few sips while wondering what the hell is going on here, how, and more importantly, _w_ _hy doesn't_ _Erwin_ _recognize him?_

 

“You're looking a little pale, are you sure you don't need painkillers or anything?” Though Levi isn't looking at him, he feels Erwin staring not so subtly while he stubbornly keeps drinking. He needs a a few more seconds to calm down, to process what's happening here. After a few seconds he slowly lowers the almost empty bottle and screws the cap back on, before he finally looks up and meets Erwin's worried gaze.

 

“I'm fine, really, I've always been a pale beauty so nothing new there,” he states dryly as he looks Erwin straight in the eyes. Erwin just stares back at him, seemingly baffled at his comment and there's a silence between them for a few seconds before Erwin's laugh fills the tense air. Levi merely arches his eyebrow at his unexpected response, _Erwin never used to-_ before remembering that this is not _him,_ not the same _Erwin._ He scoffs at himself for forgetting.

 

Erwin abruptly stops laughing, “Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you by laughing,” he quickly apologizes upon noticing his scoff. “It's just that I didn't expect it and-” “It's fine,” Levi interrupts him, _serves him right for once_ , “I'm not angry at you, for laughing I mean, since I could've done without a door hitting me out of the blue.”

 

“That's good to hear, though I truly am sorry for what happened,” as Erwin apologizes again but he sounds a bit absentminded and Levi notices the other staring intently at him, as if trying to figure something out, “--I'm sorry, I know this must sound strange but, have we by any chance met before?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know if I like how the chapter turned out, I've been having a lot of trouble with this story but things should pick up from here on and I'm having some ideas for the next chapter so hopefully that'll go smoother. Please let me know if there are any mistakes :)


	3. Chapter 3

“ _I'm sorry, I know this must sound strange but, have we by any chance met before?”_  


 

As soon as Levi hears the words, it feels like time stops moving. All sounds around him simply fade out except for the loud pounding of his head, the erratic beating of his heart. No matter how many times he repeats the words in his head, he can't seem to understand the meaning of them.

 

_What does that even mean?_

 

Nothing makes sense, none of this. His head feels like it's going to implode, if his heart doesn't give out first.

 

“ _Have we by any chance met before?”_   Does that mean Erwin remembers, that he wasn't the only one? Did he finally meet someone who _knew_ , who _remembered_? Could he really have found someone-

“ _\---met before?”_ But what if Erwin didn't, what if he really thought he'd seen him somewhere in town before?

Or worse, oh god no, what is this was a really bad pick up line? Levi cringes inwardly.

 

Levi realizes he was supposed to answer the question a while ago but he can't find the right words. He doesn't know how to reply, the question keeps echoing in the back of his head.

 

What if Erwin didn't remember? What if he did?

 

Levi wasn't sure he was ready to talk about any of the things he had seen. It felt wrong to share information about the world he kept locked tightly inside his mind for all these years. It is something he considered private, something solely his, something he didn't share with others because they just wouldn't _understand_.

 

But this was _different_ , wasn't it? This was Erwin with whom he had fought side by side till they bled and then some, this was Erwin who had picked him up from the underground, this was _Erwin Smith._

 

It was finally someone familiar in this confusing and unfamiliar world.

 

When time finally felt like it was moving again, Levi noticed Erwin looking at him, with that worried look in his eyes. It reminded him of the Erwin from back then, it really was the same pensive look, worry and unspoken questions lingering in the silence between them.

 

He really hasn't changed, Levi thought while clenches his fist, _this is not the right time to think about that_. He should say  _something_ before Erwin would rush him off to a freaking hospital, which seems entirely plausible give the others worried look.

  
“Is that a really bad pick up line or are you serious right now,” he finally asks, trying to keep his tone light and mocking, trying to make it seem like the second part of the question wasn't loaded with more meaning than it should have. He almost rolls his eyes at how forced his voice sounds but he hopes this Erwin wouldn't pick it up.

 

Erwin just stares at him, eyes slightly widening as his words and their implication finally sink in.

 

“Oh no, I- no I didn't mean it like that,” Erwin hastily tries to explain, sounding very awkward, a little embarrassed and very unlike himself, Levi thinks. Or at least the Erwin he knew. The whole situation almost makes him laugh because it all seems so surreal.

 

“That really sounded like a bad pick up line I realize now,” Erwin smiles tentatively as Levi raises an eyebrow, “but I really meant it when I said that it seems like we've met before,” he concludes, but it sounds more like a question and Levi isn't sure how he should answer.

 

He sees the other giving him another look, as if trying to find the answer that way somehow and Erwin looks so fucking lost it twists something sharp in his chest.

 

“I only moved here a few weeks ago,” Levi offers, carefully choosing his words, dancing around the subject.

 

He isn't sure how to proceed from here. Erwin obviously doesn't remember him or anything else but there is something, probably a nagging feeling in the back of Erwin's head that keeps telling him Levi isn't just a stranger, a feeling he knows all too well himself. He would go to sleep and wake up with names lingering, just out of reach in the back of his mind that kept nagging him long after he had woken up and it used to drive him crazy. But it never happened with a real person before and Levi can only imagine how strange and disorientating it must be for Erwin right now.

 

Something akin to disappointment flashes over Erwin's face for a split second before he smiles. Levi notices that doesn't quite reach his eyes. He briefly notices how rehearsed the action seems and wonders if Erwin has someone in his life who notices too.

 

“I see. I don't think we would've met before then, my mistake, I'm sorry for saying such strange things all of a sudd-” “My name is Levi,” he offers again, a little forceful this time because Erwin looks so fucking lost and confused with the whole situation.

 

“Levi,” Erwin repeats softly, and this time his smile reaches his eyes. “Nice to meet you. I'm sorry for not introducing myself earlier, especially considering all the trouble I've caused you,” he gestures vaguely at the car door and Levi narrows his eyes slightly, “but I'm Erwin Smith, nice to meet you.”

 

Levi has to bite back an _“I know”_. He tells him “nice to meet you,” instead and shifts around in his seat.

 

He isn't sure where to go from here, doesn't know what more there is to say without freaking Erwin out.

 

He is abruptly interrupted from his thoughts as he hears “wait,” and suddenly there's a hand is on his wrist with a tight grip on it. Erwin seems surprised by himself and eases his grip a little, “Don't- don't go yet,” which confuses Levi before he realizes Erwin must have thought he was moving towards the car door. “I wasn't going to, at least not before you make it up to me for slamming me down you know.”

 

Erwin smiles, a little apologetically but sincerely and Levi sees something akin to relief in his eyes.

 

Erwin quickly offers him to treat him to lunch, or dinner if he had already eaten. Levi accepts his offer and tells him lunch is fine. Erwin asks him if he has a place in mind so Levi suggests a small caféclose by that he likes to frequent. Erwin tells him he's never visited the place before and asks for directions. Levi notices Erwin relaxing for the first time since their meeting and settles into the seat when he hears the car engine roaring to life.

 

Turning his head to look out of the window and safely out of sight of Erwin, Levi slightly smiles to himself. He feels calmer than he had in a long time, something seemed to settle down in him when he met Erwin today. He allows himself to think that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't completely alone in this world, like the thought for so many years.

 

Levi had found Erwin today, or maybe Erwin had found him, it didn't really matter. Because it means that it was possible that the others were out there as well. He just had to find them.

He didn't realize just how much he needed that proof until today.

 

And for the first time in weeks, maybe even longer, Levi feels himself relax as well. 


End file.
